If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
my liver is dry heaving
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
