She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
