Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
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you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
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Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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