apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
