So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize