this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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