im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
