If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
