I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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