Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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