she was so not down for the gang bang
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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