Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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