I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You have to summon your inner elephant
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
