I seem to have left my pride at pride
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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