if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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