he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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