Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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