btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
