In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
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I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
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She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
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