i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I intend to get homeless drunk
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
