You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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