And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
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I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
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You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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