I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
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