My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
