nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
