u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
