Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
She is in my trunk
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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