WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
