i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
