I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
