Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
