I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
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Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
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Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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