i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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