Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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