There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Less talking, more tequila
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
