I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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