chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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