and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
