my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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