just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
