I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
