God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
