just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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