So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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