Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
