Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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