I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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