better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
