all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
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Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
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he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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