She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
