How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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