Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
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we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
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I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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