He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
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Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
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I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize