i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive